


Entertainment Value, No I Couldn't Care Less

by blossombox



Series: We Are Just Victims of the Same Situation [1]
Category: The Umbrella Academy (TV)
Genre: Author Comes Back From the Dead, Canon Compliant, Embarrassed Diego, F/M, First Kiss, Fluffy, Kinda Cliche but That's Okay, Police Academy, Pre-Canon, Pre-Series, Sappy, Stuttering Diego Hargreeves, Yee Haw, short and sweet
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-12-29
Updated: 2019-12-29
Packaged: 2021-02-27 05:34:27
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,716
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22011898
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/blossombox/pseuds/blossombox
Summary: It's Eudora's first kiss with Diego.It's Diego's first kiss ever.
Relationships: Diego Hargreeves/Eudora Patch
Series: We Are Just Victims of the Same Situation [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1584439
Comments: 10
Kudos: 72





	Entertainment Value, No I Couldn't Care Less

**Author's Note:**

> fuck it here it is fam love y'all
> 
> (this is set during their Police Academy days, when they're both about 19-20ish)
> 
> (title is from "Berlin Without Return" by Voxtrot)

Usually, Eudora Patch was not the sort to indulge in any silly feelings. Her success as an officer, she had come to learn in her past four weeks at the Academy, was reliant on her ability to think rationally. Analytically. 

All she had to do was keep her head down, her mouth shut, and to graduate on time - preferably with honors. 

No part of her plan involved getting remotely close to anyone, especially anyone like Diego Hargreeves. 

Diego Hargreeves, who took himself ten times too seriously for his own good. 

Diego Hargreeves, who narrowly avoided a fist fight every other day. 

Diego Hargreeves, who she was letting drive her back to her apartment.

_Again._

“Jesus,” he muttered to her on their way out of the building, “did you know there was going to be this much _school_ involved when you signed up?”

They’d just completed yet another written exam during their last class of the day. _This one_ was about traffic laws and was even more boring than it sounded.

”When I _enrolled,_ you mean?” she answered dryly, “yes, I had some idea.”

She zipped up the front of her jacket. It wasn’t even October and the nights were already next to freezing. 

“What? Did you think they were just gonna hand over the guns and say ‘go crazy?’”

Diego shrugged. 

“Well, that’s not my weapon of choice, but-”

He unlocked the car. Eudora shook her head. 

"Ah, yes," she said as she climbed inside, "well I'm sure they wouldn't be too thrilled to see us playing with knives, now, either." 

"You'd be surprised," said Diego, shoving his key in the ignition and driving them out of the parking lot, "some people like that." 

Eudora ignored him. 

_"The point is,"_ she said, "the legal side of things is more important. That's the- the _backbone_ of justice itself." 

"It's a drag," griped Diego, "and a lot of friggin' paperwork." 

This had always been his attitude. Annoying as his petulance could be, Eudora found herself amused from time to time.

"Believe it or not, there are some problems you need more than just a sharp object to solve." 

_"I guess."_

She pursed her lips and glanced out the window, heaving a little sigh. 

"You're so dramatic." 

"Hey, I am not." 

She raised her eyebrows. 

"Okay." 

"I'm _not.”_

He flicked on his signal and turned right. 

“Sorry I don’t get a kick out of- _report writing,_ or whatever, but it’s been weeks - I just wanna get to the important stuff.” 

_The important stuff-_ that meant fights, investigations, black-and-white cases with an irredeemable Bad Guy. For reasons that were obvious to anyone who had ever heard the name ‘Hargreeves,’ Diego’s idea of justice was limited almost entirely to the most glamourous parts. 

It was a bit childish, yet a part of Eudora secretly admired him for it. It wasn’t the pay or the authority that appealed to him, after all, but an actual desire to do _good._

 _Be_ good - whatever that meant. 

“I know,” she replied as they cruised past a row of shops all shut down for the day, “I’m just joking with you.” 

“Yeah, yeah, ‘course you are,” he said, “God, sometimes I ask myself why I even hang out with you.” 

The last part was a joke, Eudora knew. 

“Funny,” she said without missing a beat, “I find myself doing the same.” 

“It’s ‘cause I’m great company,” Diego deadpanned, “and because you need a ride home.” 

At this, Eudora scoffed. 

"I don't _need_ you to take me,” she said, raising her hands defensively, “I’m perfectly capable of walking." 

"Sure, but you don't want any creeps following you home, knowing where you live."

"Yeah, but I already have one of those," she pointed out, shooting him a teasing look, "who insists on driving me everyday."

Diego rolled his eyes.

"You know what I mean."

"I do. But I also think you know that I don't need any protecting."

He rapped this fingers on the steering wheel, didn’t say anything in response. 

Now she had him. 

“You know what I think?” she continued, “I think the only reason you offer is because you like to think I need your help. Is that right?” 

Diego bobbed his head, considering. Eudora took this as a sign that she was probably right. 

"Maybe,” he said eventually, “but there might be other reasons, too."

Eudora let out a light snort. 

"And what might those be?" 

"I... like talking to you," he said, "you're, like, smart and stuff." 

"'And stuff?'"

He could do better than that. 

"-and cool and pretty and terrifying, when you want to be." 

There was something in the way he was talking - almost haltingly - Eudora had never heard before. It occurred to her that she might have been making him nervous. 

She liked that.

"I’m not sure _that's_ the word I'd want to use," she snickered as Diego turned off onto her street.

He let out a frustrated sigh, but there was no malice behind it. 

"Look, I just kind of like you, okay?" 

They pulled up in front of her complex. Diego put the car in park - he always waited until she was inside before he drove off. 

This time, though, Eudora didn't step out right away. 

She turned to look at him. 

"You know, I kind of like you, too." 

"No shit?" 

Eloquence was never his strong suit.

She closed her eyes in not-quite-serious annoyance.

"It's a mystery as to _why,_ clearly, but-" 

He laughed, breaking his composure. It made her laugh too.

And then that was it.

It fell quiet in the car; all they could hear was the sound of faraway traffic. Diego turned to look at her, his face half-illuminated by light coming in through the windshield. He swallowed. 

"Look, Eudora, I-"

She didn't wait for whatever he had to say. As soon as their eyes met, she leaned in, closer and closer until her lips pressed against his. 

She kissed him. 

And, after a second, he kissed her back. 

It was slow and drawn out and - somehow - more intimate than most kisses were. Where Eudora had been expecting Diego to be rough and assertive, he was uncharacteristically soft.

His palm barely grazed her cheek when he touched her, like she was made of glass and he didn't want her to break. 

It was then that she pulled away, a little smile playing on her lips. Diego opened his eyes, confused. 

“What?”

“It’s nothing,” she said, “you’re just very, uh… gentle.”

“That’s bad?”

She laughed. 

“I didn’t say _that._ That's just not what I would have expected."

“What- what do you mean?”

It was weird seeing him so self-conscious all of the sudden. Eudora found it strangely endearing; she couldn’t help but tease. 

“Well, I mean, you talk like some big, shameless flirt," she answered, "but you just kissed me like a fourteen-year-old who’s never touched a girl before.”

She meant it mostly as a joke, something he could blow off with a pissy retort. In no way was she prepared to see Diego's entire face heat up the way it did. 

Even in the dark, she could see the violent flush on his cheeks. 

“I... I d...don’t-” he stammered, looking anywhere but at her face. 

Eudora's eyes widened. She put a hand over her mouth.

“Oh- oh, my God. Was that-?”

 _”No,”_ he said quickly. 

”Diego-”

_“Just sh...shut up, okay?”_

She stopped, just for a second, not taking her eyes off him. 

_“You’ve never kissed anyone before?"_ she asked finally, softly. 

A muscle in his jaw tightened. He didn’t answer.

 _“Forget it,”_ he said instead, still not looking at her, _“just get out.”_

Eudora didn’t move. 

_“Diego,”_ she tried again, voice even quieter this time. 

Realizing she wasn’t going anywhere, Diego closed his eyes and took a deep breath. His hands curled into fists, something Eudora guessed was his only conditioned defense.

 _“No,_ okay? That- that was-”

He couldn’t bring himself to say it. He cleared his throat roughly. 

“Look, th...there was never a good time. There was never anyone who-”

_Oh._

“Oh.”

She paused, waiting for him to say something more. He didn’t. She lowered her eyes. 

“Well, I've never been anyone's first before," she said, "I'm honored." 

Diego made a sound like he didn’t believe her.

"You said it wasn't any good." 

"That isn't what I meant," she said gently, "and the first time is supposed to be like that, you know? Besides-"

(She moved a little closer to him, so that her arm brushed his. He finally dared meet her eye.)

"-I'd be more than happy to help you practice." 

Diego just stared at her for a second, caught of guard like he couldn't tell if she was joking or not. 

She was not. 

"Really?" 

She smiled. 

"Mhmm. I mean, since we spend so much time together anyway." 

This got a half-chuckle out of Diego. 

"Yeah, I guess that makes sense." 

There was still a faint blush on his cheeks, but at least the words were coming out the way they were supposed to now - a good sign. 

"I'm glad," said Eudora. 

Somewhere down the street, a car alarm went off, piercing through the otherwise quiet evening, a reminder of where they were. Eudora glanced at the clock on the dash, then straightened. 

"Guess I should probably get going, then," she said, ducking down to pick up her stuff, "I'lll see you tomorrow?"

"Uh- yeah," said Diego, his voice much deeper than it had been moments ago, "yeah, see you tomorrow." 

Eudora bit back a grin. It was like flipping a switch. 

"Good." 

She reached out to open her door, but then changed paths at the last second. Before she could think better of it, she turned back and planted a second, quick kiss on Diego's cheek. She withdrew before he even had time to process it. 

"Night," she said, not waiting for a response as she stepped out through the door and started towards the entryway of the building. 

Inside, she waited behind the door for the sound of the car's engine to start up again. She stood there even after she heard him drive away, just breathing and thinking to herself. 

_See you tomorrow._

She ran a hand through her hair. 

She could wait until tomorrow. 


End file.
